Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Don't Use That Tootbrush!

One of my “regular hookups” was living in Philly a few years ago. I was living in Virginia and our mutual friend was going to be in North Carolina on business. The friend is an old drinking buddy, and we’ve got into a little trouble in the past with our stupidity. The girl and I decided to take a little road trip to see him in NC. The Philly girl met me in VA and we took one car down to NC.

I didn’t have much to do while my friend was working, so of course I found the first bar. He finally wrapped up his business for the day and had an early flight out the next morning. To the bars we went. We pounded beers like there was no tomorrow. I had already been drinking most of the day, so into the evening I decided I was so wrecked that I needed to go back to the hotel. Not sure how I made it there by myself, but I did, while the girl and my friend were still in the bar. About an hour after I passed out, I remember the girl coming into the room to check on me. My friend ended up hooking up with a girl he met that night, so the Philly girl and I had the hotel to ourselves. We started going at it, and eventually made our way into the shower where we finished. Now bodies can move around a lot during sex, especially in a shower. I heard something fall in the tub and when I looked down I thought “uh-oh”. Apparently my friend brushed his teeth in the shower, because the noise I heard was his toothbrush hitting the tub. The girl picked it up and put it back, and I said “that’s sick”. I busted a nut on the floor of the shower, my buddy’s toothbrush was in the same spot a few seconds later, and she said “don’t tell him”.  Disgusting.

The next morning my friend came rushing in to the room. He had an 8:00 flight and had overslept at the girls house where he shacked up the previous night. He was going nuts, throwing clothes into a suitcase, running around, and yup, you guessed it, brushing his teeth. I started laughing so hard, and he asked me what was so funny. I couldn’t even speak because of how hard I was laughing, and that just made him even more mad. He cursed at me, finished brushing his teeth, and left for the airport.

I was finally able to tell him what was so funny a day or two later. He swore at me, threw his toothbrush in the trash, and hung up the phone.

Rudely Interrupted

Trips to Montreal were fairly common when I lived up North. It was only an hour and a half drive and it’s a fun city for a young guy in his 20’s. Sometimes if we didn’t feel like driving all the way up there we’d stop at a little hole in the wall called Club Erotica. This place was a little strip club in the middle of nowhere on the road to Montreal. We could make it there in 45 minutes or so, and they offered the same “benefits” as many of the other clubs in the city.

A couple friends and I headed up there one afternoon for beers and titties. One was a college buddy and the other was a girl who I’ve mentioned before that has wanted to be with me for 15 years. Although we’ve never dated, she tends to get pretty jealous at times, so having her drive us to the club was a bad idea from the start.

We were just hanging out for a while, drinking some Canadian beer, talking with the strippers, and having a good time. There were only about 8 people in the place. After several beers and shots, my buddy and I started thinking about spending some cash on strippers instead of just beer. My buddy was the first to succumb to the pressure of “don’t you want a private dance?”. He went into the private area and was gone for a good 20 minutes. He came out looking a little embarassed, because the girl that drove us there thought he was the squeaky-clean type.

While he was getting his “dance”, a guy walked in the door and I thought “holy shit”. It was a good friend of my brother. Talk about random. Here we were in another country, some hole in the wall place, and in walks my brother’s friend who I hadn’t seen in about 3 years. When I was talking with him, one of the dancers approached me and asked if I wanted a private dance. She was pretty hot, I was going to pick one of the girls anyway, so why not. We headed into a little “stall” where the action takes place, probably 4 feet by 4 feet with a curtain across the entrance, and she started dancing. After a couple minutes of fondling her tits she offered to give me a little something extra. We started going at it, and then I heard someone saying “Jake”. I knew it was my brother’s friend, and I just ignored him. He kept calling my name louder, and even started knocking on the wood outside my booth. I told him to go away and then he opened the curtain while I was going at it. He said “give me $50″. Come on, this really couldn’t wait? I told him to get the hell out and I’d give him money later. Then a stripper popped her head around the corner and said “your friend owes me money”. This was like a bad dream…trying to get a nut and people keep opening the curtain and having conversations with me. I threw the girl a $50 and finished up.

I was a little angry at this point that someone would interrupt me like that. When I came out of the booth, the friend I went there with told me our ride had left. Apparently she was jealous that I was with a stripper doing “who knows what” and she left us stranded in Canada. My friend was able to convince her to come back and pick us up, but she was about 20 minutes down the road already headed home. I might still be there if my friend wasn’t able to sweet talk her a little. She picked us up, told me never to talk to her again, and it was a long, quiet ride home.

Who Says Virginia Girls Aren't Easy?

Several years ago my friends and I used to frequent a local bar in Virginia.  Every night seemed the same…get home from work, drink, go out to this one bar, drink some more, and then head home to nurse a hangover.  Any of my friends will agree, I do some pretty stupid things when I’ve been drinking.  After all, that’s the basis for this entire blog.

We were all leaving the bar one night after last call, and we had stepped out the front door.  I caught a glimpse of this woman across the street and told my friends to hold on a minute.  They knew I was just crossing the street to make an ass out of myself, but they waited for a minute.  I started talking to this “lady” and within 3 minutes I was hopping into her car and off to her house.  She was big, she was in her mid 50’s (I was probably 26 at the time), and she had a mole on her cheek the size of a quarter, complete with two black hairs growing out of it.   In that state I didn’t care.  I only had one thing on my mind.

We made it back to her place and sat on the couch for about 15 minutes getting to know each other.  Like that really mattered, or like I wanted to know anything about her.  Eventually we made our way to the bedroom and got down and dirty.  I was so drunk I actually went down on this nasty woman, and it makes me nauseous to this day.  Right now you’re thinking I have no shame and yes, you are correct.  Once we were done I called my friend and asked him to pick me up.  The last thing I wanted to do is wake up next to this lady.  He laughed at me, said have a good night, and hung up the phone.  What a dick.

I had to have the chick drive me home the next morning, bright and early.  I almost threw up in her car but managed to make it home.  Any normal person would accept the fact that they did something as nasty as I did and then move on with their life.  Not this kid.  I was out a couple weeks later at a little dive bar.  A friend was visiting and we were just hanging out all day getting ripped as usual.  I was trying to think of chicks I could call for an easy hookup, and she was my last resort.  I actually called from the pay phone because I didn’t want her to know my number.

“Hey there, it’s Jake from a few weeks ago, remember me?”

“Yeah, what’s up”

“I was thinking I should come over again tonight”

“That’s funny, I was thinking you should never call me again”

Did I really just hear that from a woman with nothing going for her?  I don’t remember, but I probably cried myself to sleep over that one, and laid my head on a pillow instead of a nice soft mole.

Oops, Was That Your Head?

I got a call a couple months ago from an old coworker of mine who was in town on business.  We worked together about 5 years ago and kept in touch since.  She has had the same boyfriend for 15 years, but one night when we used to work together we had some drinks and ended up sleeping together.  She wasn’t the best looking girl…an 80’s hairdo and the chest of a 12 year old boy.

She called me up when she came to town and we were supposed to grab a few drinks to catch up. She got a boob job 6 months earlier, so she wanted to show those to me as well.  I could never get her to send me pictures, because she knew I was going to share them with another one of our old coworkers who had been asking for the same thing.  When I met her at the bar, she had already been drinking with her coworkers for a few hours, and she was pretty well drunk.  I had some catching up to do, so I was doing shots, but every time I ordered one she did the same.  I knew it wasn’t a good idea for her, but there was no stopping her.

After we were out for a while and she had shown her new tits to the entire bar we headed back to her hotel room.  Within 3 minutes we were both naked, and she finally let me get that picture I had been asking for.  Took it on my cell phone since I don’t carry a camera with me.  I hopped into bed and we were joking around a bit, then she rolled over toward the edge of the bed to get up.  As she did, I gave her a joking shove on her back, and she was so drunk that she just kept on rolling right out of the bed.  I heard a bang and she came up from the floor holding her head.  She had hit it on the nightstand.  I didn’t push her hard, and certainly didn’t mean to hurt her, so I asked if she was OK.  She sat on the other bed for a second, then pointed to the door and said “I think you need to leave”.

I was in the hotel room for a total of about 5 minutes, and here I was putting my clothes back on already.  The truth is I wasn’t really drunk enough to get it on with her, so in a way I was relieved.  I went to grab my cigarettes from the table and they were gone.  I said “you’re stealing my smokes too?” to which she replied “yup”.  As soon as I walked out the door I had a feeling she was going to follow me and ask me to come back, so before that happened I started running down the hallway and dipped around the corner.

I emailed the pictures to my friend from the parking garage before I left, and copied her on the email.  Her titties looked good, but if you polish a turd it’s still a turd.

Was There a Monkey in Here?

One of my old coworkers got married a few years back, and his wife really has him by the balls.  Before they actually got married he wanted to have a bachelor party, but she didn’t want him to have one.  They compromised and he was allowed to have one, as long as it was at my house.  In retrospect, she may have known something that I didn’t.

It was a small group of guys, maybe 6-7, most of whom I didn’t know.  The bachelor was all excited to have a night without the future wife, so we stocked up on plenty of booze.  A few hours in, we started talking about liquor.  He said how much he liked Wild Turkey, and I said “what a coincidence, I have some in the kitchen”.  All I had was Johnny Walker Red, so I thought I’d try to trick him.  He ended up drinking a good part of the bottle himself, and after every shot he’d say “gobble gobble”, which just added to the humor for the rest of us.

We had strippers come over, one of which was an old roommate of mine.  I didn’t like her, but I knew how she was and that she would show the boys a good time.  They showed up late, took my cash, started arguing with me, and then left 2 minutes later.  Yup, ripped off by a couple of whores.  Sadly, that’s not the worst part of this story.

Once people had either left or passed out, my roommate went to the bathroom before going to bed.  He had to work the next morning, so he was pretty much sober.  He got within 10 feet of the bathroom door (which was shut) and told me to come over there.  It smelled horrible, like…well, like exactly what it looked like.  He opened the door, and the bachelor who had been in there for about 10 minutes prior had smeared shit all over everything.  It was on the toilet seat, on the sink, on the door, in the tub, on the walls….literally everywhere but in the toilet.  It was one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen.

My roommate told me to clean it up and I said I’d do it the next morning.  He was pissed because he knew why I said that…he had to work the next morning and I didn’t.  How was he going to take a shower when it looked like the inside of a mud hut?  He did end up cleaning it while I tried to make sure the bachelor didn’t get any more throughout the house.  He was passed out on a blanket in our living room, with flies landing on his head, shit stains on his forehead, the whole nine.

I told this story to another friend a few days later and he was about as disgusted and shocked as I was.  His comment really cracked me up: “He smeared it all over the place? That’s what monkeys do at the zoo”.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Pimps Don't Pay

A few years ago my friends and I had just started hanging out with this group of girls, and hitting the same bar every Fri/Sat night was the norm.  We’d all meet up, get housed, hit on chicks, and then go home.  One of the girls had a little thing for me, and although she wasn’t good looking by any means, my buddy talked me into going home with her in a moment of weakness.

It was late in the night and my friend and I had been talking about me hooking up with this chick.  I said it wasn’t going to happen because not only was she ugly, but nobody even liked her because she was such a bitch.  She had been hitting on me all night and my friend said he’d give me $25 to go home with her.  Let’s just say she wasn’t a $25 kind of girl, and I let him know it.  It was going to take more than that.  He eventually upped it to $50 and I jumped on it (c’mon, I probably would have done the deed with her at some point anyway).  Five minutes later I was on my way to her place.

When we got to her place and jumped in the sack it was every bit as nasty as I imagined, and I had to act quick before I sobered up. This girl had huge tits, and they seemed to flow right into her big belly.  I made her turn the light off because frankly I didn’t want to see what I was about to do.

Moving along without the nasty details…the next morning I was all excited to talk to my friend and let him know he owed me $50.  We made plans to head back out to the bars that night and I figured I’d get my money then.  I already had the money spent…I was going to have Corona’s all night, a few shots of Rumpleminze, and maybe even buy my buddy a drink for his “cut”.

We met up that night, and of course the first words out of my mouth were “where’s my money?”  He really pissed me off at this point, because he said he wasn’t paying me for anything.  I felt disgusted with myself all day, and now I wasn’t even going to get paid for it?  He pimped me out, and what he said next was both hilarious and infuriating:

Pimps Don’t Pay!

Cheap bastard.  That’ll teach me to deal with him anymore.  His nickname ever since has been “the dirty pimp”.

Two Girls, One Husband, and a Head Injury

When I had a corporate gig I used to hang out in the same bar every day after work, and sometimes the “happy hour” went late into the night.  I eventually bought the bar when I left my corporate job, figuring it would save me money in the long run.  When I was still at my “normal” job I used to work in the same building as this one girl.  We didn’t know each other (worked in different departments on different floors), but saw each other on a daily basis.

We were both at my bar one night and we started talking.  Not long thereafter, the conversation turned to the fact that her husband was out of town for the night and she was interested in hooking up.  One problem: my “friend” was coming into town that night to stay at my house on her way to Georgia.  She had just taken a new job and wanted to split up the trip, so I told her to meet me at my bar.  We had been sleeping together on and off for about 10 years whenever we saw each other (a few times a year).  I had no interest in being with this chick romantically, but she had other ideas despite my open communication with her.

When my friend arrived at the bar she only stayed for about 20 minutes and then got bitchy with me since I was all over the other chick.  She ordered me to give her directions to my house which I did, and then she took off.  About an hour later the other girl and I decided there was no reason to delay the inevitable, so we headed to my house.  Now you’re probably wondering why I would bring another girl to my house when there was already one there, and I don’t have a good answer.

I was driving a Porsche at the time which only had 2 seats, and small seats at that.  It was about a 20-minute drive to my house, and as soon as we left the parking lot the girl was all over me.  She was rubbing me, trying to make out with me, grabbing certain parts, you get the picture.  We got on the highway and by that time she had stripped down naked.  Whew, this girl was ready!  Boy was she.  She got out of her seat and straddled me.  Imagine doing 80 mph down the highway with the top down and a girl trying to ride you.  I couldn’t see shit, and I’m amazed we didn’t get into an accident.

We did eventually make it to my house, and at that point I was thinking about how I was going to deal with the friend.  We just went inside quietly and hopped on the couch.  My bedroom door was closed so I knew the friend was in there, but so were my condoms.  I went in quietly and of course the chick was wide awake waiting for me.  I grabbed a condom from the dresser and started to leave and she said “oh no, fuck that”.  She followed me out of my room making a scene, and the other chick apparently forgot I had a friend staying the night.  They started yelling at each other, and then ganged up on me.  The friend smacked me across the face and the other girl left through the front door.  Following the one I had more interest in hooking up with I went out the front door as well.  We sat in the middle of the driveway talking for a little while, and for some reason she thought my friend was really my wife.  Seemed like a strange thing to get pissed about when she herself was married and her husband out of town.  She had a brand new pack of cigarettes and chucked them at me.  The corner of the pack hit me square in the forehead, and all I could think of was in Tommy Boy: “Son of a….that’s gonna leave a mark”.  My friend came out about that time, yelled that I had “successfully ruined 10 years of friendship in one night” and left for Georgia.

I was able to patch things up briefly with the other girl and we went inside (my hand on my forehead) to finish what we had started.  It was a little annoying that she was on the phone with her husband for part of the time we were going at it, but I guess you take what you can get.  It took me about a month to patch things up with the friend, and we’ve been back to normal ever since.  I still see the other chick once in a while, and she’s usually with her husband, so it’s always awkward.

The Fastest Hookup Ever

Owning a bar sucked most of the time, but it did have its perks.  One Friday night I had a full staff and was just hanging out getting drunk.  This one chick came in occasionally, and when she did, she was always there by herself.  This night in particular I noticed her sitting in the corner by herself, so I figured I’d try to hook up with her.  Here’s how the conversation went:

“How you doing tonight?”

“Fine, what are you up to?”

“Not much, just seeing if I can get you to come home with me”

“Let’s go”

It really was that quick, I couldn’t believe it.  I was drunk as hell already, so she brought me to my house and I stumbled in the front door.  I had some boxing gloves by the door and for whatever reason decided to put them on.  I was joking around like I was going to box with her and I accidentally hit her head with a little more than the tap I intended on.  She started swearing at me and left immediately.

The entire interaction between me approaching her in the bar and her leaving my house couldn’t have been any more than 15 minutes, making it not only one of the dumber things I’ve done, but also the fastest (near) hookup ever.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

The Girl Who Thought About Exercising

As many of my stories will begin, I polished up the beer goggles and went out to the bars one night. At this point in my life, probably the mid 90's, I liked to drink...A LOT. Being in a small town, every night I'd hit the bars I'd see the same people. I had seen this one girl a million times because she was actually an old classmate of one of my friends. She wasn't just a big girl, but she was flat out ugly. I think she fell on the floor when she was born because her face looked like my ass cheeks pressed up against a window. Out of options at 2am I decided I had nothing better to do, so what the hell. 5 minutes of conversation and we were on our way to her house with a friend of mine.

We got to the house and my friend and I were just being assholes, no way to sugar coat it. She had a Mr. Frosty snow cone maker and we were experimenting with various ingredients to see what we came up with. After getting bored with that I finally whisked her into the bedroom and we hopped into bed.

Here's where the memory is a little fuzzy (or maybe selective amnesia). I blacked out after we got in bed. To this day I don't know if we did the deed or not, but there was a condom wrapper on her nightstand and when I woke up to that a couple hours later I decided to try to get my friend to bring me home. I stepped out of bed, still piss drunk, and tripped on something (most likely my own feet). My body twisted as I went down for the count, and I hit the back of my head on something hard. The girl turned the light on to see what the hell happened, and when she did, I saw a bar above my forehead. I sat up and looked a little closer, and it was an Ab Roller, one of those things you're supposed to use for sit-ups. I remember bursting into laughter and asking rhetorically if she ever used it, and got the obvious answer "no".

Once I stopped laughing I was able to get up and leave her room, and my buddy was asleep on the couch. I woke him up and we took off, but not without getting a trophy first. The Mr. Frosty was on the counter by the door so I snatched it on the way out. Snow cones never tasted so good after all I had to go through to get my Mr. Frosty.


A Warm Bowl of Soup

I’ve been to Montreal more times than I can count. A lot of those trips ended up in me staggering down Ste. Catherine Street looking for hookers on the way back to the hotel. I was up there with about 7 friends one night and at the end of a very long night filled with titty bars, I found myself alone on the street. Not sure what made me decide to venture out on my own at 3am away from my buddies, but it turned into a hooker hunt when I rounded one corner.

Sometimes prostitutes aren’t so obvious, other times you can pick ‘em out from a mile away. This was a case of the latter. Two girls, each with mini skirts, standing against a building smoking cigarettes and smiling at everyone that walked by. I stopped to make some smalltalk and the conversation quickly turned to price. I don’t remember how much each one said they cost, but being the bargain hunter I am, I negotiated a two-for-one deal. I think they were happy to have any business, because one was a little chubby and the other looked like she was about 50.

We took off, me in the middle and a girl on each arm, and waltzed right into the lobby of my hotel. It was late at night so there weren’t a lot of guests in the lobby, but boy did the staff look at me funny. It was a decent hotel and here is some 20-something drunk guy walking in with a couple of hookers. We made it to my room and “oh shit, my friends are already back”. We all crammed into one room with two beds, so you can imagine the lack of space.

A couple of them were already in bed sleeping, so when they awoke to find me needing their bed they were not exactly happy. My one friend refused to get off the bed, so there wasn’t enough room for all of us. Being in the Christmas spirit that night, I “gave” one of the girls (the chubby one) to another friend. I didn’t really need two for myself, I was just being greedy. The only option I had was to bring her into the bathroom and lock the door, because I knew someone was going to try and snap a picture or something. My friend who was with the other girl shut the lights off and laid down with her outside the bathroom door which was also around the corner from everyone else.

The entire time I was in the bathroom with my girl I could hear my friend talking to the other one. Was he trying to get laid or just making conversation? After a few minutes it got quiet…real quiet…so I knew he finally shut up and got to work. We all heard a “slap, slap, slap” as he pounded away for about 30 seconds, then it got quiet again. The whole room must have been biting their lips so they didn’t laugh, because all of a sudden my friend says “Holy shit, that’s like nailing a warm bowl of soup”. The whole room burst into laughter, including the girl I was with.

My Brother the Cock Block

One weekend trip to Montreal with a few friends, two adjoining hotel rooms, a lot of Canadian beer, and a great escort service…a few hundred bucks down the tube.

I don’t remember the occasion, but a few of my friends, my brother, and myself all went to Montreal for a weekend trip. Probably went to catch a hockey game or something. These sort of trips used to take their toll on my liver, because it was always get up, eat breakfast, drink, and don’t stop until you can’t stand up anymore. Certainly the case this weekend.

After another night of looking at titties in the strip clubs, we all went back to our rooms in the hotel around 2am. My brother and I had one room with two beds, and everyone else was in the next room. Both rooms were joined by a door, which I knew as soon as I saw it was a bad idea for a group like us. As soon as I got back to the hotel I grabbed the yellow pages and looked up escorts. Called the first one and boom, a girl would be over within 45 minutes. Everyone was talking in the other room until a knock on the door. I opened it, and WOW, was this girl hot! Turns out one friend had been down in the lobby and followed her up the elevator, not knowing I had called her. They got off the same floor, walked down the same hall, and stopped at the same door, wondering what was going on.

I quickly got everyone out of my room and my brother was passed out on the other bed in my room. I could not wake him up no matter what I tried, so finally I decided hey, if I can’t wake him up, he’s not going to disturb me. That’s where I was wrong. After the “deal” was over and the girl and I started getting it on, I knew I had about a half hour left. At that time my brother started snoring, and the snoring got louder by the minute. It was so loud that it broke my concentration and when time was running out, I couldn’t finish my job. To make matters worse, my friends were trying to break through the door into my room to take incriminating pictures. The girl finally had to stop so she could leave for her next appointment, and I was out $300. Whether my brother and friends will admit it or not, they owe me for this failed experience. I may as well have started to rub one out, quit at the last second, and then burned a stack of money.