As many of my stories will begin, I polished up the beer goggles and went out to the bars one night. At this point in my life, probably the mid 90's, I liked to drink...A LOT. Being in a small town, every night I'd hit the bars I'd see the same people. I had seen this one girl a million times because she was actually an old classmate of one of my friends. She wasn't just a big girl, but she was flat out ugly. I think she fell on the floor when she was born because her face looked like my ass cheeks pressed up against a window. Out of options at 2am I decided I had nothing better to do, so what the hell. 5 minutes of conversation and we were on our way to her house with a friend of mine.
We got to the house and my friend and I were just being assholes, no way to sugar coat it. She had a Mr. Frosty snow cone maker and we were experimenting with various ingredients to see what we came up with. After getting bored with that I finally whisked her into the bedroom and we hopped into bed.
Here's where the memory is a little fuzzy (or maybe selective amnesia). I blacked out after we got in bed. To this day I don't know if we did the deed or not, but there was a condom wrapper on her nightstand and when I woke up to that a couple hours later I decided to try to get my friend to bring me home. I stepped out of bed, still piss drunk, and tripped on something (most likely my own feet). My body twisted as I went down for the count, and I hit the back of my head on something hard. The girl turned the light on to see what the hell happened, and when she did, I saw a bar above my forehead. I sat up and looked a little closer, and it was an Ab Roller, one of those things you're supposed to use for sit-ups. I remember bursting into laughter and asking rhetorically if she ever used it, and got the obvious answer "no".
Once I stopped laughing I was able to get up and leave her room, and my buddy was asleep on the couch. I woke him up and we took off, but not without getting a trophy first. The Mr. Frosty was on the counter by the door so I snatched it on the way out. Snow cones never tasted so good after all I had to go through to get my Mr. Frosty.