Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Was There a Monkey in Here?

One of my old coworkers got married a few years back, and his wife really has him by the balls.  Before they actually got married he wanted to have a bachelor party, but she didn’t want him to have one.  They compromised and he was allowed to have one, as long as it was at my house.  In retrospect, she may have known something that I didn’t.

It was a small group of guys, maybe 6-7, most of whom I didn’t know.  The bachelor was all excited to have a night without the future wife, so we stocked up on plenty of booze.  A few hours in, we started talking about liquor.  He said how much he liked Wild Turkey, and I said “what a coincidence, I have some in the kitchen”.  All I had was Johnny Walker Red, so I thought I’d try to trick him.  He ended up drinking a good part of the bottle himself, and after every shot he’d say “gobble gobble”, which just added to the humor for the rest of us.

We had strippers come over, one of which was an old roommate of mine.  I didn’t like her, but I knew how she was and that she would show the boys a good time.  They showed up late, took my cash, started arguing with me, and then left 2 minutes later.  Yup, ripped off by a couple of whores.  Sadly, that’s not the worst part of this story.

Once people had either left or passed out, my roommate went to the bathroom before going to bed.  He had to work the next morning, so he was pretty much sober.  He got within 10 feet of the bathroom door (which was shut) and told me to come over there.  It smelled horrible, like…well, like exactly what it looked like.  He opened the door, and the bachelor who had been in there for about 10 minutes prior had smeared shit all over everything.  It was on the toilet seat, on the sink, on the door, in the tub, on the walls….literally everywhere but in the toilet.  It was one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen.

My roommate told me to clean it up and I said I’d do it the next morning.  He was pissed because he knew why I said that…he had to work the next morning and I didn’t.  How was he going to take a shower when it looked like the inside of a mud hut?  He did end up cleaning it while I tried to make sure the bachelor didn’t get any more throughout the house.  He was passed out on a blanket in our living room, with flies landing on his head, shit stains on his forehead, the whole nine.

I told this story to another friend a few days later and he was about as disgusted and shocked as I was.  His comment really cracked me up: “He smeared it all over the place? That’s what monkeys do at the zoo”.

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