Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Who Says Virginia Girls Aren't Easy?

Several years ago my friends and I used to frequent a local bar in Virginia.  Every night seemed the same…get home from work, drink, go out to this one bar, drink some more, and then head home to nurse a hangover.  Any of my friends will agree, I do some pretty stupid things when I’ve been drinking.  After all, that’s the basis for this entire blog.

We were all leaving the bar one night after last call, and we had stepped out the front door.  I caught a glimpse of this woman across the street and told my friends to hold on a minute.  They knew I was just crossing the street to make an ass out of myself, but they waited for a minute.  I started talking to this “lady” and within 3 minutes I was hopping into her car and off to her house.  She was big, she was in her mid 50’s (I was probably 26 at the time), and she had a mole on her cheek the size of a quarter, complete with two black hairs growing out of it.   In that state I didn’t care.  I only had one thing on my mind.

We made it back to her place and sat on the couch for about 15 minutes getting to know each other.  Like that really mattered, or like I wanted to know anything about her.  Eventually we made our way to the bedroom and got down and dirty.  I was so drunk I actually went down on this nasty woman, and it makes me nauseous to this day.  Right now you’re thinking I have no shame and yes, you are correct.  Once we were done I called my friend and asked him to pick me up.  The last thing I wanted to do is wake up next to this lady.  He laughed at me, said have a good night, and hung up the phone.  What a dick.

I had to have the chick drive me home the next morning, bright and early.  I almost threw up in her car but managed to make it home.  Any normal person would accept the fact that they did something as nasty as I did and then move on with their life.  Not this kid.  I was out a couple weeks later at a little dive bar.  A friend was visiting and we were just hanging out all day getting ripped as usual.  I was trying to think of chicks I could call for an easy hookup, and she was my last resort.  I actually called from the pay phone because I didn’t want her to know my number.

“Hey there, it’s Jake from a few weeks ago, remember me?”

“Yeah, what’s up”

“I was thinking I should come over again tonight”

“That’s funny, I was thinking you should never call me again”

Did I really just hear that from a woman with nothing going for her?  I don’t remember, but I probably cried myself to sleep over that one, and laid my head on a pillow instead of a nice soft mole.

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