Monday, December 3, 2007

One of My Least Proud Moments

I went to Baltimore a few years ago with my brother and a few friends.  One of my friends lived in the area so we thought we’d visit him one weekend.  We went to an Orioles game (translation: we went somewhere to pay $6 a beer and there happened to be a game going on), and then we hit the bars in the Inner Harbor after that.  It was a long day of drinking, and we were all wasted except for our friend who was driving.  When we left the bars at the end of the night and were walking back to our car, some guy named James approached us and asked us if we needed anything.  He was sketchy as hell, trying to push some crack on us or something.  At this point in my life I had a little problem with hookers/escorts, so I asked him where I could find one.  James said he had a couple of girls but we had to bring him somewhere to get them.  Probably one of the dumber things I’ve done in my life, but we let him in the car.

This dude brought us to a real shady part of town.  I’m talking kids on the street at 3am, gunshots in the distance, the whole nine.  He had us stop by this apartment and got out of the car.  He said “I’ll be right back, don’t go anywhere”.  A couple minutes later he returned with this fat chick who looked like James had just dragged her out of bed.  She looked at me and said “you got me out the crib for a white boy?”  I said “I got money, what are you worried about” and she took me around the corner.

We walked about a block down the street and onto a side street.  My brother was driving his SUV with the other guys in it.  My brother had his pistol, my one friend had a machete, and another friend had a can of mace.  They all made sure James didn’t go anywhere or try anything funny.  The nasty hooker brought me right up to this run-down house that couldn’t have been any more than 400 square feet.  All the windows were boarded up, there was no door, and there was shit all over the floor.  It was obviously some sort of crack house because there were a few mattresses on the floor and broken glass everywhere.  I told her I wasn’t going any further because it was starting to get a little scary.  I leaned up against the wall outside the entrance to this place and handed the girl a $20 for a blow job.  Since a few of my friends were keeping tabs on James, one other friend was standing about 10 feet in front of me to make sure nothing happened to me.  He had his back to me and was laughing at the slurping sounds coming from the hooker.

After a few minutes of this, the girl said “you like pussy, boy?” to which I responded “that’s why I’m here”.  “I’ll let ya hit it for another $20″ she said.  What the hell, I’m a big spender, so I threw her another $20.   She dropped her pants and bent over, then leaned up against the same wall I was a second before.  As soon as she leaned over I heard a sound come from below like she farted, and then I smelled the nastiest funk I have ever smelled.  It smelled like someone had stored a few pounds of meat in a locked car in the middle of the desert for a month.  Absolutely disgusting.  There was no way I was nailing this nasty bitch now, so I said “keep the change”, grabbed my buddy who was standing guard, and we ran back to the car.  We jumped in the car and got the hell out of there before anyone decided to shoot at us.  If you’re ever in Baltimore and run into a guy named James who promises a hot hooker, run the other way!

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