Saturday, December 29, 2007

Slipping One Past the Goalie

Ask any guy if they’ve ever “slipped one past the goalie” (got a girl pregnant) and the majority say yes. It happens, and when it does, your world comes to an abrupt stop. I’ve had my share of scares over the years, and luckily for me they’ve turned out for the best.

I used to work at a restaurant in New England years ago, and the manager always joked with me because I nailed half the waitresses. I was the man-whore of the staff, and even though the waitresses all knew about each other, they could have cared less. Most of them were pretty hot, but there was one line that I never should have crossed - her name was Liz.

Liz was a fat-ass redhead who constantly threw out sexual innuendos. I found her disgusting but one night at the company Christmas party she took advantage of me. We went back to my place and I gave her the goods.  The next morning we emerged from my bedroom and my roommate couldn’t believe his eyes.  After all, this was in the early days of my fat chick escapades.  Liz and I got together a few more times when I would get drunk and make the last-ditch booty call after exhausting the rest of the list.

A few weeks after our last time together she pulled me aside and told me she was pregnant.  The girl was a compulsive liar (she used to tell customers that she had kids already) but this wasn’t something to take lightly so I was a little freaked out.  We discussed options (abortion, adoption, etc.) and for a while she played it up like she was having “the baby”.  She was getting a little too much enjoyment out of the whole thing, so I began to think something wasn’t right.  We pretty much stopped talking for a while until she called me one day and said she changed her mind…she wanted to get an abortion.  I offered to bring her to the doctor and she refused.  After she supposedly had this abortion she called me and gave me a graphic description of what took place, and I knew for sure at that point she was lying.  She said she wanted me to pay her for the abortion and I said I’d pay for half of it.  She showed up at my apartment to collect a couple hundred bucks and I said I wasn’t giving her shit without any paperwork, receipt, or discharge papers.  She called me an asshole, left for an hour, and came back with a piece of paper that was clearly done by her on a typewriter.  I ripped it up and kicked her out of my place.  As if it’s not bad enough to fuck with someone and make them think they’ve got a kid on the way with a woman they hate, but then to try and swindle them out of a couple hundred bucks?  I vowed revenge.

A few years later I ran into this whore when she came into a bar/restaurant I worked at.  I pulled the bartender into the kitchen where I worked and told her the story.  The bartender said Liz was drinking rum and Cokes while running her mouth that she’s pregnant.  I couldn’t believe it.  I told the bartender that I had a special rum and Coke for her on her next trip into the kitchen.  I pissed a little into a pint glass and threw a little Coke in it to give it a more appropriate color.  The bartender brought it out to the bar and placed it under the counter until Liz ordered another drink, and once she did…well let’s just say the bartender poured her a stiff one.

About 45 minutes later the bartender came back in the kitchen and said she had a treat for me.  She handed me a dinner order slip and said “the steak on the top here is for your friend”.  I cooked up the best steak I’ve ever grilled.  Put it on the plate, snorted as much snot as I could, cleared my throat, and then dropped the nastiest wad of spit on top of her steak.  A little sauteed mushroom on top and BAM…here’s your dinner bitch.  She ate the whole thing like a fat chick knows how to do.

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