Saturday, January 5, 2008

Farting In Front of Your Girlfriend for the First Time

Some things in life are uncomfortable, very uncomfortable.  One such thing is “breaking the seal” with your girlfriend - letting that first fart escape without trying to hide it.  Before you’ve broken the ice so to speak, there can be some uncomfortable feelings in your body.  I dated one girl a while back and we hadn’t reached that point where we were comfortable farting in front of each other yet.  We went out for dinner one night and I don’t know what I ate, but it really did not agree with me.  I was hanging out at her house watching a movie and gas was just collecting inside me.  I made up some BS excuse that I had to get something out of my car and ran outside.  Whew, that felt great.  Back inside, and then 5 minutes later, “oops, I forgot to get something else”.  The evening was spent making numerous trips to the car and I’m sure she wondered how someone could be so forgetful.

Sometimes the circumstances don’t provide you with any escape.  I dated this one girl for a few years, and the first time I ever slept over at her house was one of the most embarrassing nights ever.  It was the middle of the night and I awoke to notice intense pressure in my stomach.  Did I have to fart?  Was I about to shit?  Only one way to find out.  Since my girl was still sleeping I tried to squeak one out to test the waters.  Oops, better cut that one short because I don’t think it’s just a fart.  I crawled out of bed and headed to the bathroom which was directly across from her bedroom.  I had to go really bad but I was so gassy that if I just let it go it probably would have waken up the entire house in mass confusion of “what just exploded?”.  I practiced my technique of letting a little slip out, then stopping, then a little more, and so on.  Every time I did this a fart would come out and I’d cover my mouth to avoid laughing out loud. I did this for about a half hour and then I heard a knock on the bathroom door.  “Are you OK in there?”.  Oh man, she had been listening to the entire performance of my horn section.  “Yup, just um, you know…”. Nothing says sexy like a case of gassy diarrhea in the middle of the night on your first sleep over. I guess you could say our relationship was destined to go down the shitter from the start.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Please note that all comments are moderated. This means you shouldn't waste your time if you're simply trying to spam the blog.