Sunday, January 27, 2008

When Farting in Public Goes Wrong

Just a quick post here about something that happened to me last year. I was flying up North for Christmas, and I had a layover in Philly for a couple hours. I figured there was nothing to do in an airport other than drink, so I proceeded to do so for a few hours. I heard my flight called, so I made my way onto the plane. I didn’t have By the time I got to where I was going I was not only relieved to finally get there, but I had been holding in a fart for pretty much the whole plane ride. I had a little time before my ride picked me up, so rather than rush to the baggage claim with everyone else I darted outside for that moment I had been waiting for. OK, too many people here, a bus is loading there, a-ha, I see an empty bench down there. I walked about 100 yards to be by myself in my moment of glory, sat down on a concrete bench, and…oh no, who’s this lady walking my way? I had to hold it for another 10 seconds until she walked past because I didn’t want her throwing up when she got to where I was. Whew, she’s out of earshot now, here we go, one….two….RIPPPP!

I swear it sounded like the Hamburger Helper hand had slapped the shit out of a fat kid. Some old lady who had shuffled past me a few seconds earlier had stopped and turned around to see what the hell just happened. Maybe she thought it was her, who knows. A security guard about 40 feet away looked my way like he heard it too. I’m usually a good judge of how loud a fart is going to be prior to release, but this time I was WAY off! I don’t know if it was the atmospheric conditions, the angle of my ass on the bench, or just the reverberation off the concrete, but it was honestly one of the loudest farts I’ve ever had. I couldn’t stop laughing for about a half hour. I’d get myself composed, take a good deep breath, and then burst into laughter again. People looking at me must have thought I was crazy, just sitting there by myself, laughing, and reeking of alcohol.

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