Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Chariots of Ass-Fire

When I was in college one of my buddies went to another college about an hour away. My girlfriend and I took a little road trip one weekend to visit him, and as was the norm during college, we went out and got trashed the first night. Just a usual night of drinking, no crazy stories. The next morning we all went to this diner which was a few hundred yards from my buddy’s apartment. Nothing cures a hangover like some eggs, fried hashbrowns, sausage, and 12 strips of bacon. We all tore up the breakfast and then it happened…GURGLE…GURGLE…UH-OH!  I’ve never seen anything like this. All three of us had simultaneously come down with a severe case of “Oh my God, I’m going to shit my pants”. Check please!

We threw our money on the table and ran out the door like we just saw our competition fly past in the Cannonball Run. We were walking briskly back to the apartment and then it dawned on me…there was no way I was waiting for these two to use the bathroom before me. I just couldn’t do it, so I started running. A second later, my buddy and my girlfriend realized I was making a Carl Lewis dash for the first shot at the john so they started sprinting too. I swear I could hear my buddy humming the Chariots of Fire theme song behind me. We all forced our way through the door at the same time, something like you’d see the Three Stooges do. I accomplished my mission and locked myself in the bathroom first. Phew, what a relief that was. When I emerged from the tiny bathroom reeking of a decomposing animal, my buddy tried to be hospitable and let my girlfriend go first. She was apparently trying to keep up the myth that “girls don’t poop” so she wanted to go last. “No complaints here” my buddy said, and he took care of business next. He came out and the bathroom smelled even worse than before which I never would have imagined could be possible. My girlfriend went in last, and she was embarrassed because it was a small apartment and she was about to practice her animal sounds out of her ass. She wanted us to stay away from the door like we would try to listen or something. About 10 minutes later we were watching TV, and the girlfriend pops her head out of the bathroom to ask “umm…do you have a plunger?”  So much for perpetuating that myth about girls not pooping!

I felt like a true champion that day, my friends. Every time I hear Chariots of Fire I get a tear in my eye and think about winning the gold.

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