Friday, January 27, 2017

Chinese Food, Anyone?

So this fat chick "Angie" I recently introduced readers to loved to eat Chinese food. She loved to eat any and all food actually, but Chinese was her favorite, and her tradition on her birthday was to gorge herself on as much as she could while her friends watched. I fucking hated the place she went to every year but obliged since it was her birthday.

One time in particular, she consumed a ton of specialty drinks before, during, and after dinner, and it came back to bite her...or actually me. A full belly of Chinese food, a BAC of at least .20, and about a dozen coworkers she called friends. What could possibly go wrong?

After dinner we went to a bar around the corner from the restaurant where she kept slammin' back the drinks, and eventually got into a fight with one of her coworkers because I had been talking to her. She thought I was going to fuck this other chick (which I totally would have) so she got all medieval on her ass. I was the designated driver on this occasion, and I had to escort Angela out of the bars because she was clearly in over her head.

On the 10-minute ride home, I was thinking about all the drunk fun I was going to have with her, kinda like a 10-year-old kid on the way to the amusement park. Then it happened. The equivalent of seeing a nuclear bomb go off at the amusement park as you're pulling in to the parking lot. You see, this dumb bitch ate so much Chinese food and drank so much liquor that she suddenly had to puke during the 10 minute drive home. No warning, no nothing, just turned her head toward the window and let 'er rip. One problem though...the window was up. I have never in my life seen Chinese food move at that speed (somewhere between ludicrous speed and the speed of light, by my calculations). It hit the window, splattered off that onto the dashboard, all over the door, literally everywhere on that side of the car.

I pulled into the driveway and got fattie into the house where she could pass out once and for all. I had the pleasure of spending the next two hours (keep in mind it was like fucking midnight) washing my car, hosing out the inside, trying to get noodles out of the heat vents, slimy shit out of the door speakers, etc. Most disgusting night of my life, and that says a lot because I fucked fattie on other nights and that was no picnic.

Just in case you think I'm making this up or exaggerating, I've included some photos I took that night so I could show her the next morning. She didn't remember anything about the night, and needless to say, I hate that restaurant to this day, despite being no fault of theirs.

Photos below (WARNING: GRAPHIC PHOTOS)

Almost made it...




Notice the pool of vomit in the door grab


Cleanup, aisle 6

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Was There a Hooker in Here?

Many years ago I was in between houses and was living with a girl I was friends with. She was the dominant, no-bullshit type who used to yell at me for leaving a pan in the sink before I even finished eating my meal. Like I was supposed to do my dishes while the meal I just cooked became cold. A real clean freak. She had a corporate gig, so she would often go out of town on business and leave me in charge. Wrong decision, obviously...

One time I was bored and home alone, which is usually a bad combination. I called up a buddy to see what he was doing, and we went out to the bars for a bit. After copious amounts of alcohol, we headed back to the house for some late night fun. My buddy had the number for the local company with the skankiest strippers on speed dial, so he made a call. He "ordered" two black girls, and it sounded like he was ordering something out of a catalog.

We planned out the night...he would take his girl upstairs to my out-of-town roommate's spare bedroom and I would use the leather couch for easy clean-up later. I warned my buddy to take a left at the top of the stairs and not a right, because on the right was my roommate's bedroom and she probably had a camera in there or something.

We were both fucked up as all hell, and for whatever reason we ended up with a little blow that some idiot gave us. I was drunk and high as a kite when the doorbell rang around 3am, and was pumped about the chicks walking through the door. They were both decent looking, and I'm sure the thought that went through their minds was something like "Oh shit, these white boys are fucked up. This is gonna be some easy money".

My buddy paid, so he had first choice in the girls and of course took the one with the bigger ass. Bastard! Mine was still hot, and she had a tight little body. He went upstairs and from the sound of it, didn't waste much time getting to know the chick. I was so coked up that not only could I not get a hard-on but my beautiful anatomical specimen apparently tried to hide like a scared turtle...just like it did that one time I jumped into a snowbank naked. Talk about embarassing...I can get it up for the ugliest of ugly girls, but the goods weren't working for this little hottie. She said something like "don't worry, I'll fix it" and then tried to help with her mouth but it just wasn't happening. She finally offered to give me "a massage or something" but at that point I just wanted to go in the back yard and smoke a cigarette. Alone. Forever.

I heard my buddy come downstairs and see the girls out for their escort waiting in the driveway. I told him what happened and got the scoop on his fun. I made sure he took a left at the top of the stairs to use the guest room and he said he did, but I thought to myself that he was bullshitting me.

The next morning (or afternoon, whenever I woke up) I decided I should check my roommate's room to make sure nothing had been moved out of place, etc. I noticed her comforter bunched up a bit, and when I pulled it back there was a condom wrapper laying right on the bed.

Obviously I gave my buddy shit about leaving it where he did, but if I hadn't found that wrapper that day, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't be here writing the story about it. That chick would have not only kicked me out, but probably would have murdered me. And she could have taken me.


Monday, January 23, 2017

Best Christmas Gift Ever

I like to keep my friends laughing, so a big part of that is using unexpected Christmas gifts. For example, one year I saw a dozen black Barbie dolls at a church garage sale and naturally bought them for everyone. Everyone was sketched out when I had to pull them all outside the Christmas party just to give gifts, but they were a big hit and I'm sure some of them still have them on hand.

Another time I wasn't feeling particularly creative on my way to a Christmas party and didn't have a gift for the secret santa gift exchange, so I stopped at one of the only places open that night...the grocery store. My gift that year was a whole (raw) chicken, and since it had to be refrigerated I asked the party host to put my gift bag outside because it needed to be kept cool. That piqued everyone's interest and created a buzz so when the gift exchange started, the person who got to pick first basically lunged for my gift bag. She looked in it, rolled her eyes, and closed it back up. Everyone began asking "what is it?" and she calmly said "a chicken". Of course that drew additional questions like "what do you mean?", to which she replied "I mean a fucking chicken, as in raw, uncooked meat in a bag". I pointed out that as a bonus I included a packet of gravy mix but she was legitimately pissed.

My favorite gift of all time though was conceived when watching that classic Seinfeld episode where Elaine sends out her photo on a Christmas card and everyone can see her nipple. I took it to a new level.

On a day when I had the house to myself, I set up a nice blanket in front of the Chrismas tree, set my digital camera on the coffee table, set the timer, ran to the tree, and posed for a photo. Did I mention I was nude in the photo? A little post-production Photoshop to hide the goods with a big red bow and voila, a legendary Christmas gift was born. I wanted to make it really special though, so I went to the dollar store and bought a dozen photo frames with sayings like "heaven's gift" and other things that really didn't go with the content of the photo.

Needless to say it got a lot of reactions from my friends. One of them even had the photo scanned and printed on a T-shirt the following year. The craziest part is that I wore it out to a bar that night (mostly because nobody thought I would), and there was another guy there with a T-shirt, very similar to mine, but he was tea-bagging his friend who was passed out. What are the odds of two guys who don't know each other, in a dive bar with 50 people, and who both have almost identical shirt photos?

In case you would like to see the actual photo, here you go!

Autographed and everything!

Saturday, January 21, 2017

Introducing Angie

OK kids, buckle up because the posts are finally about to start back up. What better way to kick things off than to introduce readers to "Angie" (not her real name of course), a fat chick that I made the mistake of dating for a little while. What the fuck was I thinking? That's a whole different story, which I'll get into later down the road. Later as in, right fucking now!

Fat Angie leaking cellulite onto the couch

Angie was a school teacher I met in a town called Milton, while I was living in the area for the summer. I met her on one of those online "dating" (i.e. hookup) sites, PlentyOfFish. Her profile photo? A great looking photo, which was apparently taken a couple decades ago because let me tell you, it didn't look like her. I hate false fucking advertising.

I was living with a chick for the summer and she knew I was going out on a blind date. She (let's call her Cindy) loved hearing about my evening exploits, so naturally I kept her in the loop.

Our first date was bowling. It was love at first waddle. When I saw her using all of her energy just to waddle across the parking lot, I knew she was the one for me. I could tell by the look on her face that she was one of those chicks that would put anything in her mouth, given the chance. She was about to get it. The date itself was boring as shit, so I'll spare you those details. After it was done, she sensed my willingness to fuck anything that moves so of course she set up date #2 at her house the following day.

I got home and told Cindy about the chick...fat, easy, etc. She laughed and said something to the effect of "well better luck with the next one". Little did she know I was meeting "this one" again the following day...at her house. Allow me to digress for a moment here for all you rookies out there. When a fat chick invites someone they barely know to their own house for a second "date", there's only one thing that's going to happen before the night is through. You see, they want to be on their home turf so they feel comfortable because out in public, they're often uncomfortable in their own skin. Maybe because there's so much of it, who knows, but a fat chick's "home court advantage" is actually an advantage for the guy sick enough to fuck 'em.

The next day I was off for date #2 and Cindy gave me some words of encouragement...I think something like "there's no shame in leaving early if your scuba breathing tube gets blocked by a fat roll" but can't be sure. I arrived at her house where she had kindly pawned her kid off on a friend for the night. Just more reassurance that shit was going down that night. And go down it did. Within about an hour she had me in her bedroom, in her bed, and did what any respectable woman would do...not be selfish. She blew me and immediately after "my moment", my first thought was "oh fuck, now she's gonna want to hang out again". I got out of there without even fucking her (or doing anything), but the caveat was that I was going back for more the following day.

I told Cindy about my exploits when I got home. She knew by the look on my face as soon as I walked through the door, so I just blurted it out: "I did something stupid...I let her blow me and now I have to go back tomorrow". She laughed and said "well just don't go", but I'm a sucker for sexually promiscuous fat chicks in case you haven't noticed by now.

You see, when bank robbers get greedy, they rob the bank again, and eventually get caught in a bad situation. I decided to "rob the bank" the following day. I went back to her house because I didn't want her to know where I was staying, and ended up fucking her that night. When I returned home that night, Cindy just laughed again as I walked through the door and said "fuck, I did it again".

I ended up "dating" this chick Angie for a while, and there are a TON of stories about her that will show up here. Sometimes a person with that perfect combination of cellulite, desperation, and stupidity are just gold for a blogger like me.

Until next time...keep it in your pants, or keep it warm in a fat chick!

Saturday, January 14, 2017

Back in the Saddle...Again.

Well, it seems that after years (actually almost a decade) of this blog being down, I've finally had the time to resurrect it from the dead. Whether that's a good thing or a bad thing remains to be seen, but I know one thing: many of my friends have been asking me to do just that since it was shut down.

Obviously my life is a bit different these days and I'm not out at the bars every night, but believe me, there are so many stories that still need to be told. Ten years' worth, at least!

Please enjoy my stories, and save the hate mail for someone else because if you don't like the content on this blog, don't fucking read it.

If you do find some of these first-hand accounts to be funny, please share with your friends who may also enjoy them.