Monday, January 23, 2017

Best Christmas Gift Ever

I like to keep my friends laughing, so a big part of that is using unexpected Christmas gifts. For example, one year I saw a dozen black Barbie dolls at a church garage sale and naturally bought them for everyone. Everyone was sketched out when I had to pull them all outside the Christmas party just to give gifts, but they were a big hit and I'm sure some of them still have them on hand.

Another time I wasn't feeling particularly creative on my way to a Christmas party and didn't have a gift for the secret santa gift exchange, so I stopped at one of the only places open that night...the grocery store. My gift that year was a whole (raw) chicken, and since it had to be refrigerated I asked the party host to put my gift bag outside because it needed to be kept cool. That piqued everyone's interest and created a buzz so when the gift exchange started, the person who got to pick first basically lunged for my gift bag. She looked in it, rolled her eyes, and closed it back up. Everyone began asking "what is it?" and she calmly said "a chicken". Of course that drew additional questions like "what do you mean?", to which she replied "I mean a fucking chicken, as in raw, uncooked meat in a bag". I pointed out that as a bonus I included a packet of gravy mix but she was legitimately pissed.

My favorite gift of all time though was conceived when watching that classic Seinfeld episode where Elaine sends out her photo on a Christmas card and everyone can see her nipple. I took it to a new level.

On a day when I had the house to myself, I set up a nice blanket in front of the Chrismas tree, set my digital camera on the coffee table, set the timer, ran to the tree, and posed for a photo. Did I mention I was nude in the photo? A little post-production Photoshop to hide the goods with a big red bow and voila, a legendary Christmas gift was born. I wanted to make it really special though, so I went to the dollar store and bought a dozen photo frames with sayings like "heaven's gift" and other things that really didn't go with the content of the photo.

Needless to say it got a lot of reactions from my friends. One of them even had the photo scanned and printed on a T-shirt the following year. The craziest part is that I wore it out to a bar that night (mostly because nobody thought I would), and there was another guy there with a T-shirt, very similar to mine, but he was tea-bagging his friend who was passed out. What are the odds of two guys who don't know each other, in a dive bar with 50 people, and who both have almost identical shirt photos?

In case you would like to see the actual photo, here you go!

Autographed and everything!

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