Thursday, January 26, 2017

Was There a Hooker in Here?

Many years ago I was in between houses and was living with a girl I was friends with. She was the dominant, no-bullshit type who used to yell at me for leaving a pan in the sink before I even finished eating my meal. Like I was supposed to do my dishes while the meal I just cooked became cold. A real clean freak. She had a corporate gig, so she would often go out of town on business and leave me in charge. Wrong decision, obviously...

One time I was bored and home alone, which is usually a bad combination. I called up a buddy to see what he was doing, and we went out to the bars for a bit. After copious amounts of alcohol, we headed back to the house for some late night fun. My buddy had the number for the local company with the skankiest strippers on speed dial, so he made a call. He "ordered" two black girls, and it sounded like he was ordering something out of a catalog.

We planned out the night...he would take his girl upstairs to my out-of-town roommate's spare bedroom and I would use the leather couch for easy clean-up later. I warned my buddy to take a left at the top of the stairs and not a right, because on the right was my roommate's bedroom and she probably had a camera in there or something.

We were both fucked up as all hell, and for whatever reason we ended up with a little blow that some idiot gave us. I was drunk and high as a kite when the doorbell rang around 3am, and was pumped about the chicks walking through the door. They were both decent looking, and I'm sure the thought that went through their minds was something like "Oh shit, these white boys are fucked up. This is gonna be some easy money".

My buddy paid, so he had first choice in the girls and of course took the one with the bigger ass. Bastard! Mine was still hot, and she had a tight little body. He went upstairs and from the sound of it, didn't waste much time getting to know the chick. I was so coked up that not only could I not get a hard-on but my beautiful anatomical specimen apparently tried to hide like a scared turtle...just like it did that one time I jumped into a snowbank naked. Talk about embarassing...I can get it up for the ugliest of ugly girls, but the goods weren't working for this little hottie. She said something like "don't worry, I'll fix it" and then tried to help with her mouth but it just wasn't happening. She finally offered to give me "a massage or something" but at that point I just wanted to go in the back yard and smoke a cigarette. Alone. Forever.

I heard my buddy come downstairs and see the girls out for their escort waiting in the driveway. I told him what happened and got the scoop on his fun. I made sure he took a left at the top of the stairs to use the guest room and he said he did, but I thought to myself that he was bullshitting me.

The next morning (or afternoon, whenever I woke up) I decided I should check my roommate's room to make sure nothing had been moved out of place, etc. I noticed her comforter bunched up a bit, and when I pulled it back there was a condom wrapper laying right on the bed.

Obviously I gave my buddy shit about leaving it where he did, but if I hadn't found that wrapper that day, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't be here writing the story about it. That chick would have not only kicked me out, but probably would have murdered me. And she could have taken me.


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