Friday, January 27, 2017

Chinese Food, Anyone?

So this fat chick "Angie" I recently introduced readers to loved to eat Chinese food. She loved to eat any and all food actually, but Chinese was her favorite, and her tradition on her birthday was to gorge herself on as much as she could while her friends watched. I fucking hated the place she went to every year but obliged since it was her birthday.

One time in particular, she consumed a ton of specialty drinks before, during, and after dinner, and it came back to bite her...or actually me. A full belly of Chinese food, a BAC of at least .20, and about a dozen coworkers she called friends. What could possibly go wrong?

After dinner we went to a bar around the corner from the restaurant where she kept slammin' back the drinks, and eventually got into a fight with one of her coworkers because I had been talking to her. She thought I was going to fuck this other chick (which I totally would have) so she got all medieval on her ass. I was the designated driver on this occasion, and I had to escort Angela out of the bars because she was clearly in over her head.

On the 10-minute ride home, I was thinking about all the drunk fun I was going to have with her, kinda like a 10-year-old kid on the way to the amusement park. Then it happened. The equivalent of seeing a nuclear bomb go off at the amusement park as you're pulling in to the parking lot. You see, this dumb bitch ate so much Chinese food and drank so much liquor that she suddenly had to puke during the 10 minute drive home. No warning, no nothing, just turned her head toward the window and let 'er rip. One problem though...the window was up. I have never in my life seen Chinese food move at that speed (somewhere between ludicrous speed and the speed of light, by my calculations). It hit the window, splattered off that onto the dashboard, all over the door, literally everywhere on that side of the car.

I pulled into the driveway and got fattie into the house where she could pass out once and for all. I had the pleasure of spending the next two hours (keep in mind it was like fucking midnight) washing my car, hosing out the inside, trying to get noodles out of the heat vents, slimy shit out of the door speakers, etc. Most disgusting night of my life, and that says a lot because I fucked fattie on other nights and that was no picnic.

Just in case you think I'm making this up or exaggerating, I've included some photos I took that night so I could show her the next morning. She didn't remember anything about the night, and needless to say, I hate that restaurant to this day, despite being no fault of theirs.


Almost made it...

Notice the pool of vomit in the door grab

Cleanup, aisle 6

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